Thankful for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, the bountiful harvest festival of traditional foods and the gathering of loved ones, is an American treasure. George Washington proclaimed the observation in 1789 and it was made a federal holiday by the pen of Abraham Lincoln in 1863. These dates and occasions seem important. Established in celebration of our founding democracy and resurrected at a time of national despair, Thanksgiving brings us together in good times and bad. It isn't the property of any specific religion. There aren't fireworks, or presents, or much pomp and circumstance associated with our late November assembly of family and friends. Even Macy's annual parade with all the glitter, bands, celebrities, and enormous balloons marching with Santa himself down 34th Street to Herald Square cannot define why most Americans approach this day with such eager anticipation.

Few people would say that Thanksgiving is only about a roasted turkey and scrumptious side dishes or desserts. But there is little doubt that those are pretty big drawing cards. Ensconced in my memories are seasonal smells wafting from the kitchen. Visions of long tables set for receiving amounts of food unparalleled in weight and diversity leave me almost dizzy to this very day. You could almost hear the wood groan as a final platter was heaped on the last empty spot. Homemade pies were left waiting for lack of space. I can still hear the oohs and ahhs of both young and old as the feast was unveiled. Who would have ever guessed that gravy could be poured over so many different things (like cranberries) and still taste so good! Overloaded tummies and some magical turkey protein called tryptophan kicked in to create massive amounts of melatonin which makes it impossible to stay awake. Few have any clear recollection of who won the annual holiday NFL game. Did someone change the channel to a Dog show? Or was that Toto barking at the Wicked Witch of the West?

I've come to believe that all of these things are wonderful, (even the snoring) but there is something more to Thanksgiving. It seems to me that the years’ hardships and hard work are put aside to make way for recognition of abundance no matter the size or scope of bounty on a table. We make ourselves present to one another, face to face across the festive table, as particularly vulnerable yet equally resilient. We show ourselves to be triumphant as well as humbled. Thanksgiving is a day of possibilities. For if this day can make all of these things happen, then there is hope for tomorrow. Love will surely overcome adversity. And with this in mind, I can say without hesitation that I am so very, very thankful for Thanksgiving.

This is my annual Thanksgiving Prayer and musing. Feel free to share them of course.

I pray for all of us, oppressor and friend, that together we may succeed in building a better world through human understanding and love, and that in doing so we may reduce the pain and suffering of all

Thanksgiving focuses our minds on our blessings

rather than on our problems.

It makes the heart glad for what we have been given,

and it takes our minds off the burdens we all have.

In our lives of plenty and prosperity

we seem to take most everything for granted.

How appreciative we should be for our blessings

and what a wonderful thing is a holiday

which focuses our attention on them.

Thanksgiving is just the therapy we all need

to be reminded of our blessings and the beauty of living.

Thanksgiving Departures

I am going to write about Thanksgiving gratitude and nostalgia in the coming days. Before that though, I feel the need to say in advance something that might help make this holiday a little more palatable.

The frost is on the pumpkins and the geese are getting fat.

These words combine an old English song and the poetry of James Whitcomb Riley. We were thinking about the coming Thanksgiving feast and anticipating Christmas when saying those words in mid-November back in my childhood. It seemed like everyone was going somewhere to gather with family, 'over the river and through the woods'. That hasn't changed so much except the trip to Grandma's is more likely braved on interstates and in airplanes than rural country road adventures. AAA (which we used to call Chicago Motor Club) says that "More than 55 million travelers are making plans to kick off the holiday season with a trip of 50 miles or more away from home this Thanksgiving." That’’s a bunch of turkeys in dire jeopardy

Our departures to family and friends must have a lot more to do with love than with cranberries, and pumpkin (or punkin) pie. So with all of this in mind, it is somewhat perplexing that Thanksgiving is noted as the most stressful holiday of them all.

I learned early on as a young social worker that our jobs would be most difficult around Thanksgiving. Domestic abuse of all kinds skyrocket. Drug and alcohol abuse increase as much as 33 percent. Accidents and coronary events spike. Interestingly, however, suicide rates actually fall at this time of the year. Either we are taking our frustrations out on everyone else while drinking ourselves numb, or family support gives us a sense of belonging and accountability.

I think all of these things combine to make treatment centers the busiest with new admissions after what is called our happiest holiday. Though it might seem rather sad, what a great outcome of Thanksgiving that people are confronted with their suffering and find a way to real, life sustaining and enriching help.

For the bulk of us, however, Thanksgiving joys bring with them less dramatic stressors. Getting the food prepared, tasty, and served hot is challenging enough. But this season, I have heard so many people near and dear, as well as spiritual advisors and other columnists worrying and warning about our family gatherings.

The political and religious polarization we are experiencing threatens to drive wedges and hurt feelings around dinner tables more than ever this year. Republicans and Democrats, Evangelicals and Spiritual Progressives, Pro-Trumpers and Never-Trumpers, Environmentalists and Skeptics, bring a defensive posture sometimes armed with arguments ready to explode over the green bean casserole.

I even found myself preparing a little dig for someone of an opposing belief system to mine. Finding a veiled innocent comment designed to agitate this rather aggressive person was tickling my fancy. But further reflection changed my mind. There is nothing to be gained and everything to be lost by setting the stage for a scene that would follow. Nobody would be changed. No heart would find its way to my side. And this brings me to the point of this writing about Thanksgiving Departures.

Back in those good ole days, fully recognizing that they weren't always as good as we remember, one phrase of sage wisdom about Thanksgiving and other family/friend get togethers could almost certainly get us through our gatherings this year and far into the future.

Here it is. Don't discuss politics or religion. Period. Exclamation point.

Leave them alone. I'm not saying to abandon passionate points of view and cherished belief systems at all. On the contrary, go deep, express yourself while listening carefully to the opinions of others. It is your civic responsibility. There is a time and a place for civil discourse, but not at our uniquely American annual day of gratitude. It might have been easier for The Greatest Generation to live out their cautionary message.

As Tom Brokaw has told us, they came home from war and didn't talk about their awful experiences. That probably made limited controversy around mashed potatoes a breeze in late November. So, enjoy the food. Embrace loved ones. Accept and honor differences. Have some fun telling stories of traditions, people and memories of years gone by. Then this Thanksgiving Departure free from rancor and divisiveness will long be remembered and treasured. They might even be cherished somewhere…around another table…as one of those wonderful “good ole days".

Making the Decision to Carry On

It is more than tempting to give in or give up. There is an alluring quality to quitting the struggle. When all of the headlines point to disaster, chaos, hatred, and division, keeping one’s head in the game and participating actively is hard. Another school shooting. Another political mess. Another war. We become overwhelmed with sadness, strife, and futility. An almost soothing refrain of 'Stop the world, I want to get off' seems to offer relief from all the pain and suffering.

“You don’t give in or give up because your determination may be all that is needed to change the world.”

The dramatic rise of suicide in young people (the number two cause of death in people between the ages of 10-24) or among police officers and firefighters (who are more likely to die at their own hands than in the line of duty) tells this awful tale of despair. To think that so many of our children and our public servant heroes are at the end of their ropes is heartbreaking. So why not just quit? The answer is as old as humankind. You don't give in or give up because your determination may be all that is needed to change the world. Your contribution and your love is the key to our future. Believe it or not.

The stories told in sacred texts by all religions and those of ancient mythology have endured forever because they tell us how to live. Their metaphors help us find our way. One that is a touchstone for me is contained in Homer's Odyssey. When it comes to resisting the urge to give in or give up, his tale of Odysseus and the Sirens is one of the best. It is told that Odysseus makes the tough decision to take a long and dangerous journey across the ocean for home.

Sirens Song from Odysseus

His lover, Circe, tells him of the encounter he must have with three beautiful creatures known as Sirens who lure all ships onto nearby rocks with their totally irresistible and seductive songs. No sailor survives them "for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song.” Odysseus heeds the warning and orders his men to put beeswax in their ears so they won't be killed by the treachery. But he chooses to have himself strapped to the mast of the ship so that he can hear the songs while not being drawn to certain death. He does so and is unharmed. But the most compelling part is that unknown to Odysseus, the Sirens were destined to die if anyone would hear them and live to tell about it. When Odysseus survived they hurled themselves into the sea and never tempted or devastated human beings again.

I've been fortunate to see this story play out in real life dozens of times. A couple of years ago I wrote about a boy who was an Odysseus himself in my column for ChaplainUSA.org entitled 'Kids For Sale'. One of the boys I counseled was fourteen-year-old Tony (not his real name of course). He was a charming, handsome, manipulative youngster who was the ringleader of the dozen or so others who were being trafficked by the trick or by the hour. He was from Ohio and had been molested by a step-father. He ran away to warm weather on a bus bound for Fort Lauderdale and it was only a matter of minutes before he was recognized as a viable product by a man who sold boys and girls to tourists.

Ultimately, he escaped to Covenant House. Tony told me that over 100 men had abused him in only a few weeks. He had become addicted to cocaine, alcohol, and heroin and soon realized that he would survive longer ‘running his own show’ earning $40 - $60 a trick making $200 or more a night. He fully understood that the average street kid survived for less than two years succumbing to addiction, STD’s or suicide.

When I left Fort Lauderdale there was no doubt in my mind that Tony would not live long. Years later, as director of a treatment facility, a new patient saw me, did a double-take, and stuck his head in my door. “Don’t I know you?” He asked. We chatted for a minute trying to figure out the connection when he asked me if I had ever been to Covenant House in Fort Lauderdale. I replied that I had. He looked at me hard and said, “You are Father Bob!”

That was the name the kids had given me so many years before. He cried; “It’s me. Tony.” He had lived and somehow transcended the streets. Tony went on to tell his story of heading back to Ohio, confronting his demons, seeking methadone treatment, and moving on. He had a wife, two children and a thriving EBAY resale business of baseball cards, memorabilia, furniture…anything but himself. His triumph over the Sirens of giving in and giving up continues to give me hope.

The message of Odysseus is clear. So is Tony's. Job in the Old Testament gives it a good spin as well. And the modern-day storyteller/musician, Tom Petty doesn't mince words with us in his tune I Won’t Back Down when he says 'there ain't no easy way out, so I'll stand my ground and I won't back down'.

When we resist the Sirens who try compelling us to give in and give up by participating despite their promises of relief something remarkable happens. Our decision to carry on, to exist, persist, endure and overcome will defeat them every time. Then nothing, absolutely nothing, will be able to drag us down.

Just Like Me

It isn't always easy to recognize how much we are alike. When someone persistently rides your bumper in heavy traffic, steps in front of you in the checkout line, or makes an intentional statement designed to hurt, we feel our hackles rise and blood boil. But how often have each of us so offended others? Our reckless moments have probably left someone just as angry. We aren't very different after all. How meaningless it is to think we are any better or any worse than other people. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, pioneer of the mindfulness movement, recently appeared on Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday. During a discussion of her book "Welcoming the Unwelcome" Pema revealed that she has a way of accepting and embracing those who stir up ire or negative reactions. She uses a simple little whisper or silent reminder, repeating the words; "Just like me."

Just like me. The one who lies and manipulates...also feels vulnerable and afraid of being rejected.

Just like me. The person who is controlling and short tempered...also worries about security and chaos.

Just like me. The seemingly ego driven know-it-all...also experiences deep loneliness  and self-doubt.

Just like me. The hurried and insensitive stranger...also is carrying a burden that blinds him to the needs of others.

The personal baggage we lug around over perceived slights and injustices weigh us down when we needn't carry them at all. This is even true of the more serious hurts and trauma. One of the boys under my care had suffered unthinkable physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of a family member from ages 8-13. He was unable to function without drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. A group therapist in our treatment center who he admired asked him one day if he would go to the cafeteria and get a bag of garbage for her.  He complied willingly and came back with a large green bag full of food scraps and other waste. She then asked him if he would do her a big favor and carry it around with him after group. He agreed with some hesitation, but figured she would never do anything to hurt him. And he had just a little adolescent crush on her. So he dragged it around in spite of the amusement of his peers. But when he brought it back to group the next day, he was very unhappy and in tears.  The garbage had become heavier and smelled awful. Everyone avoided him. He begged his counselor to let him take it back to the cafeteria.  Her answer made an incredible impact on him and has stayed with me for decades.  She said; "Nobody told you that you had to keep carrying this garbage around with you. That was your decision. Take it away. Get rid of it and let it go."

Just like me...

Frederick Buechner once said; "All the absurd little meetings, decisions, inner skirmishes that go to make up our days. It all adds up to very little, and yet it all adds up to very much." He asserts that God speaks to us in the middle of these moments. Maybe that wee small voice is telling us to reconcile what is important with what is trivial. Maybe it is reminding us that all of us are "Just like me."

Veterans and Heroic Secrets

"There are things you just don't talk about."

Those were the words he chose when pressed by his nine year old son in 1960 to tell war stories of his time in the South Pacific during WWII. If he had been mad he would have said “Now Hear This” or “Listen Up.”

But he wasn’t angry. Just unmovable. Unwilling or unable to fulfill the boys request. Back in those days every kid wanted to know what their daddy did in the war. But seldom were desired details provided. For this man, most of the information about his years overseas as an Naval officer went to the grave with him.

The pleasant memories of being entertained with a performance by Boris Karloff in "Arsenic and Old Lace" or Bob Hope's show on Kwajalein were acceptable, but secret classified missions behind enemy lines with other engineers, fighting off and killing an enemy landing party, or long seasick travels on Landing Ship Tanks or LST's (often referred to as 'large stationary targets’) were not. A Warbuck signed by his admiral received after flying over the volatile equatorial zone was okay to discuss but tales of ships he refuelled, armed and supplied as the Kwaj ordnance officer that never returned, or which limped back into port like his brother's Belleau Wood after losing hundreds of sailors were kept behind tight lips.

Kwajalein 1944

Lt. Commander Kenneth Jones Photo Album

"They fought the war of homesick, weary, funny, violent, common men...who lug themselves through as dirty a business as the world has ever seen and do it with humor and dignity and courage." John Steinbeck

In the dedication to a book he wrote about his World War II experiences entitled "Flat Bottomed Odyssey" Gene Jaeger wrote; "I never heard one of them (soldiers, sailors or airmen) put his feelings about the war into words. But they knew. When your home, family and friends are threatened you don't talk, you fight." That's the way it is for most veterans. You just don't talk about it. Maybe such heroic silence isn't the best idea. Some memories fester as post-traumatic-stress and cripple the mind, heart and soul with war secrets. But nevertheless most stories too terrible stay locked away forever. Neither loved ones nor therapists could do much to ease the pain. It seems better to bury them along with comrades lost in battle.

I was that nine year old kid who didn't get the story he wanted from his father. One day, when I was much older though and facing a decision about serving in Vietnam, he revealed the incident, which for him, never went away. One of the young men he commanded in the Marshall Islands had suffered through too many horrors. Dad put in a request for stateside leave which had been granted. He was relieved and depression lifted. But a few days later, Dad got a telegram saying the leave had been cancelled and he would have to break the news. In an effort to make the revised orders more bearable, he made up a sad account about some fictitious fellow lost at sea who could no longer replaced him. The man stared blankly only replying "So I won't be going home." Dad confirmed the fact that his young charge would remain on Kwaj. He asked to be dismissed and it was granted. Moments later Dad heard a gunshot and rushed out to discover that the young midshipman put a bullet in his head. The letter he had to write to a grieving family was almost impossible. When the story was told, this patriot and hero of mine said this. "Don't go to war. I fought so you wouldn't have to." It was the very last thing I ever thought I would hear from him.

But so it goes with these we esteem each November 11. Men and women of great courage, they sacrificed everything and ask nothing in return. Except perhaps that the battles they waged might be the last where blood would be spilled in fields of conflict. As grateful recipients of their service we might offer up this heartfelt prayer:

May the secrets our veterans carry for us do them no harm and fade into the mist of their yesterdays.

Radical Availability; Testifying to Love

It's not so easy to be available. There are people in our lives in distress, hurt and broken. We lend a hand only to find that they need more.

At some point, as we feel emotionally drained, the notion of boundaries and personal space creeps into our minds telling us to draw back a little or pull away entirely. Maybe being partially available, or being available based on our time constraints is enough. Any amount of being present is better than the vacuum of not being there at all. Our healing touch, words of encouragement. and listening ear, no matter the amount, will certainly bring love and healing to a breaking heart. Under certain circumstances, when the neediness is too extreme, perhaps practicing a little tough love is the answer. After all, there is such a thing as enabling. This is the dilemma. How much is too much or too little?

My more than four decades of providing help for folks who suffer with addictions and boys who have been abused confirms to me that recovery and healing is unique to the individual. Where one patient may require intensive interventions and lots of my time, some only need a little guidance, with a multitude of others somewhere in-between. Treatment should be person centered and individualized with goals leading to a discovery that life can be meaningful and joyful. I also found that traditional practices of tough love with a focus of disengaging by my participant families were rarely helpful.

On the other hand, when parents, spouses, friends, and teachers became completely engaged, the outcomes almost always exceeded expectations. I call this 'Radical Availability' and, though it flies in the face of many treatment constructs, it works. Radical Availability is similar to what goes on at an ICU. The suffering person becomes our unfettered, kind, gentle, and loving focus. This is not to say that everyone gets well. Addictions and trauma are relentless and still fatal for some. Nobody is to blame when things go terribly wrong. But if we have been radically available, there is no regret left behind that more could have been done.

Even though it can be consuming, Radical Availability is no more exhausting than tough love or detachment. It is a spiritual intervention unlike any other. I have written that;

We have the ability to be radically available because God is radically available.  There is no reason to be afraid.  Regardless of how dark it gets and no matter how difficult the situation, God is with us.  God's arms are open and God’s heart breaks right along with ours. There is no time when we are left alone without resource.

In answer to the question of how much is too much or too little, I guess that maybe there is no perfect answer. Wynonna Judd gave one however in her I Will Testify to Love from the TV series “Touched by an Angel” which points us in the right direction when she sings "I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when the words are not enough." I believe in my heart of hearts that we are called to be radically available. Because in so doing we are affirming God's ever-present love...and there is never too much of that.

Our Worldview of Scarcity; The Best Things in Life are Free

We are driven by the worry that there is not going to be enough to go around.

This concept is exploited by politicians and governmental leaders to promote their agendas. It is one of the reasons we wage war. It is the basis of avarice. It causes us to hate instead of love. But is there any fundamental truth to this vision of scarcity? Are there limits to God's abundance? The New Testament lessons of five loaves and two fish multiplied by Jesus to feed five thousand is not just a sweet story. Whether considered as historical fact or metaphor, the lesson indicates that there is nothing lacking except our limited perspective fueled by fear.

In his best selling book, The Power of Intention, Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote; " When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. When you see the world as abundant and friendly, your intentions are genuine possibilities. They will, in fact, become a certainty." Certainly, wIth this alternate kind of worldview those possibilities become endless. Rather than succumbing to the frightening spectre of running out of things and being left without resources, we become empowered by the truth that 'God is able to give you more than you need, so that you will always have all you need for yourselves and more than enough for every good cause' (2 Corinthians 9:8).

Maybe it was a good cause that kept my Dad, Ken Jones, so chipper and cheerful most all of the time. If so, the cause he devoted himself to was family and friends. His generosity of spirit could be felt whenever he walked into a room. Ken was a believer in abundance and a doubter of scarcity. Born in 1909, he lived through prosperity, the Great Depression, World War II and a return to prosperity. He lost plenty and gained plenty. There was rarely a time when he wasn't whistling. One of his favorite melodies was "The Best Things in Life are Free" which would spring from his lips as if it just had to be shared. He sang it, hummed it, and tweeted it sometimes to my adolescent disdain. One day, I asked him why he kept repeating the song. He replied that the words were a gold standard for him...that nothing was lacking in life. I protested citing world poverty and wealth disparity. He said that shortages were man-made and caused by greed. With that he performed a demonstration.

Eisner Grocery Store in our hometown of Danville, Illinois

He took me to the Eisner Grocery Store in our hometown of Danville, Illinois and began filling up his shopping cart and one I was pushing with paper towels, all the while whistling his happy tune. Ken was well known and popular, so it wasn't long before someone stopped him to ask what was going on. He got a serious look on his face and said that there was a paper towel shortage and soon there would be none to be had for 'who knows how long'. By the time we left the store (after several questions by shoppers and much meandering), the aisle was devoid of paper towels altogether. There was even a blurb in our local newspaper telling that paper towels were scarce. This was a great lesson for me and another source of glee for him to story about. His bottom line was that love was available in an unlimited supply and nothing else could be lacking as long as you believe this to be true.

Nobody can reasonably doubt that there are shortages of valuable resources. Fresh water is unavailable in many parts of the world. People are starving. Homelessness is at an all time high as refugees flee their impoverished or dangerous countries. But all of this is true while, at the same time, there is excess and plenty in other places.

When we recognize that scarcity is man-made and fixable it will finally be possible to grasp that the best things in life are free. Until then, we will remain too frightened to share our abundance.

Good Guys and Bad Guys; Heroes and Villains

The sage author, mythologist, and theorist, Professor Joseph Campbell argued that the story of humankind is one of 'the hero with a thousand faces'. But he would have never portrayed us singularly as good guys or bad guys.

Each of us, though on a heroic journey from the moment of birth to our final breath, has inherent qualities of both darkness and light. At one time or another, we can be as good as an angel or evil as a demon. This day in age we seem to have forgotten that there are no absolutes. As we divide into tribes, it has become easier to characterize those who are not quite like us as bad and those in our camp as good.

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Richard Boone as Paladin on “Have Gun Will Travel”.

When I was a boy, back in the dark ages, you could always tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of their hats (good wore white and bad wore black). Our heroes were cowboys after all. John Wayne was the quintessential good guy. Ask anyone. Shane (Alan Ladd) would testify that Jack Palance was a villain and just plain evil. No doubt about it. Things started getting a little hazy though when Richard Boone showed up as Paladin on the TV show “Have Gun Will Travel. He was a hero in a black hat. What the heck?! So it goes. Just when you think you've figured it all out...

Perhaps it wasn't Hollywood that understood the nature of people so well. Rather it might have been the kindly Father Flanagan who asserted 'there is no such thing as a bad boy.' This is not a naive statement. It's the truth. God, who is the essence of love, never created a human being who was bad.

Gregory Boyle, a Jesuit priest in Los Angeles, has worked with gang-members for decades. Barking to the Choir is about “how to love people. How to really love people. And how to know God when you see God.”

No one can question the fact that horrible things happen to people and evil exists. Recent history confirms this of course. Things of satanic proportions happened in Rwanda during the hundred days of slaughter and ethnic cleansing...or with the gassing to death at Auschwitz of 800 Gypsy children in one day at the hands of Adolph Hitler. And on and on. It's easy to hate perpetrators who commit atrocities. There is no excuse for what they do. Consequences for such actions are necessary and justice must be served. But in the midst of our righteous condemnation we can easily forget that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. By grace, and grace alone, have we been spared from whatever drives people to do such things.

Gregory Boyle in his book Barking to the Choir tells us that; "There are no monsters, villains, or bad guys...There are only folks who carry unspeakable pain. There are those among us who deal in the currency of damage. And there are those whose minds are ill, whose sickness chases them every day. But there are no bad guys. Jesus seems to suggest that there are no exceptions to this. Yet it's hard for us to believe him."

I guess we need to rethink our positions on who is wearing the black hats. We should also consider abandoning our tribes to rejoin the larger human family. We can't afford the divisions any more. No exceptions. Let's try harder to believe that guy who Gregory Boyle was talking about.

Becoming Who We Are Created to Be

I walked out along the beach at sunrise one morning recently. A tropical storm was ready to move in, so clouds were obstructing the usually brilliant, dramatic display of sun and moon. But the power of light over darkness couldn’t be denied. Through the gray came a beam of light. A promise of day.

Hundreds of folks have come to me over the decades for help, guidance, hope, and healing. When they first present themselves, gray clouds overshadow their hearts. Without exception, I tell every one of my patients that they are perfect, unique and beloved. Some have never been given that information. Few believe it to be true. I often hear them say in response something along the lines of “You don’t know me. If you did you wouldn’t think I’m worth saving.” They have lost sight of who they really are. Only the false self, like those clouds of an approaching storm, seems to be visible.

But those clouds, Lord, those clouds! Gathering, menacing, thick and foreboding, they haunt my horizon, obscuring my hope, draping in shadows my plans for tomorrow…”

~ Fr. Austin Fleming (From A Concord Pastor)

The false self is merely a construct of our minds. It hides our true nature behind years of built-up fears, doubts, and insecurities. Seeking to please others, it creates a made-up image or persona to present so that nobody can see or know the authentic person within. Not that the false self is all bad. It serves us well in surviving and getting through the obstacles of life. But there comes a time when it is necessary to let go of our manufactured identity in favor of the authentic self who yearns to be revealed.

The authentic self is who we are created to be. One in union with God and all creation, it peaks through with every generosity, each kindness, and in the loving things we do. It shows up despite the darkness, shining on a path which leads away from selfishness, greed, and narcissism. It is where our superpowers reside.

There is an old Cherokee story about a boy and his grandfather which has been retold for generations. To me, it provides a key to living authentically. Here is a version I use:

One evening an elder told his grandson about A battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, and superiority.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked: "Which wolf wins?"

The grandfather simply replied, "The one that you feed."

Developing the authentic self begins with feeding the right wolf. When the work is done, you will be known and loved for who you really are. Stormy times, though they will come and go, can never overpower you again.

What It Means To Be Alive: Discovering A Purpose

Our beating hearts, curious minds, and yearning souls are fired by a hunger for purpose.

Much more than spectators, we are each here as active participants in a dramatic adventure. In fact, we are gifted players possessing talents and skills so unique unto ourselves that they can never be duplicated. Never. Not in all that came before, all that is, and all that may come in the future. Like the insuppressible Tigger, You’re the only one.

The problem is that we have a limited view of an unlimited horizon. Hemmed in by duties, responsibilities, busy schedules, hardships, and trials, we suffer with a lack of clear internal and external perspective. It is a poverty of spirit.

Victor Frankl, in his groundbreaking book "Man’s Search For Meaning" asserted that even in the most horrible circumstances, people must find a reason to be alive. The Nazi concentration camps where he was imprisoned provided the fodder for his claim. For it was there, where death was thick in the air, that those who survived found a will to go on and purpose in places of hopelessness.

I could see it in many of my patients eyes who lost everything due to the ravages of addiction and trauma. Decimated careers and alienated families took a heavy toll which destroyed some but became touchstones for others. Those who realized that accomplishments and success could once again be achieved were the ones who discovered that love and hope are eternally present and available. Tim Shriver of Special Olympics has a formula for this when he says;

“See! Look! Pay attention to what is right in front of you! That is all you need to know!”

If what happened yesterday is to define who we are today or what direction tomorrow might take, then we can hardly find a true meaning for our lives. That foundation is built on sandy soil which can be washed away or carried off by the wind.

Being alive is about occupying this moment while mustering up all of the love you have to give and then letting it flow. Your life has never been small or insignificant. It will expand to proportions beyond any imagined boundaries. And the imprint of your steps will be visible for all of eternity in the lives you have blessed.

Just remember who you are.

Forgive and Forget; How to be Fully Present

The old adage, Forgive and Forget, can present some big challenges and often proves to be pretty troublesome.

We nod our heads in somber understanding upon hearing the response 'I can forgive, but I can't forget.’ But is it really possible to forgive without an element of forgetting? Forgiveness implies a letting go of resentments which bind us to an incident of sometimes traumatic proportions. And letting go, really letting go, requires a lot. The chokehold of old grudges, while exhausting, almost becomes a part of our survival. So releasing that grip in favor of forgiveness is quite a tall order. And therein lies the problem. Forgiving, by itself, is only a partial discharge of bitterness and anger. Freedom and the ability to live fully in the present comes only when we allow ourselves to forget.

I went out this morning to watch as the full moon set and the sun rose over Florida's Gulf of Mexico. It's a ritual and joy of mine when visiting my adopted home state. I did much of my growing up in Hillsboro Beach, just north of Pompano and developed this early morning habit as a boy. There has never been one that wasn't awe-inspiring.

Today, my meditative moments were punctuated by an encounter with a Firefighter from Mississippi who had also come down to welcome the beauty and wonders. We chatted for quite a while, revealing his life-saving work and my journalism for ChaplainUSA. In turn, I asked him about how he deals with all of the trauma and how he is able to process or forget what happens in his job. I wondered aloud how he forgives those who do irreversible harm to others. This father of a young son explained that it is imperative if he is to be the kind of parent he wants to be. "You can't carry the things we see and do around with you. So you forgive and forget. It's the only way."

As the red sun broke through the horizon urging the yellow-white moon to settle back into the sea, the savvy of this heroic public servant was evident. A new day can't dawn until the old one disappears. You simply cannot forgive until you forget.

Arlen Becker, blog contributor and old friend, writes a regular thought-for-the-day. He says that "By forgiving the perceived errors of others and ourselves we are releasing our own minds of the burden of anger which is often keeping us from our joy. Forgive each time it comes up and soon it will be gone from the mind. Forgive quickly and leave the burden behind and find your happiness sooner." He is right of course. I think this forgiveness wisdom contains the essence of how to 'forget'. The first part is to disallow a resentment chokehold in the first place, never permitting it to cripple you. The second is to examine your part in an old wound and forgive yourself right along with the one who did harm, thus ending the victim/perpetrator relationship. Memories of hurt may remain, but they will have no power. The present is poisoned when the past lurks around every corner. In order to live fully, we must move on. By forgiving AND forgetting we are delivered from bondage to enjoy life here, now, and in the future.

Saying Goodbye to Self Pity; It's All About Delight

God isn't interested in self-pity any more than in lamenting, complaining, blaming, or measuring.

For that matter, I think God looks with a jaundiced eye at redemptive (quid pro quo) punishment or penance especially when it comes to 'paying-the-price' for what we might have done to offend God's sensibilities.

God doesn't offend. God delights. We are the ones who plunge ourselves into the abyss of indulgent melancholy believing that we deserve suffering. In a very real sense, we are hiding from the unconditional love, grace, tenderness, and forgiveness extended by God's all-inclusive heart.

Saying goodbye to self-pity requires a change of mind about what we think we are lacking while actively seeking and developing an attitude of gratitude. This is what opens the door to delight.

Finding delight everywhere we look.

I often tell the story of a man I met at The University of Illinois in the summer of 1989. It had been a difficult day of counseling boys who suffered extreme childhood trauma. Their stories and problems were more overwhelming than usual, and I decided to take a walk around the park mall outside of our offices to clear my head. I felt so sorry for the kids...and for myself.

There was a modern art fountain structure with seating around it in the middle of what had once been a busy street. Suddenly, a voice shouted out these words; "I delight in it." Taken by surprise, I circled the fountain and found a ragged old fellow seated on the other side. He had a shopping cart holding his worldly possessions. I greeted him and asked him what he said. He repeated, "I delight in it."

My incredulous look must have been a dead give away, so he continued to explain. He said that several years ago he would sit on a bench and watch the traffic go back and forth. Later, they changed it to one way and now, closed to cars altogether, he watched people walking where cars once traveled. Then he repeated his claim. "I delight in it." Of course, there was no resisting him after that. I bought us both a hot dog and drinks. We ate and chatted away for a bit. Then he got up saying he had things to do, leaving me with an altered perspective. How could I indulge in self-pity and regret when my homeless friend could find delight everywhere he looked?

We cannot begin to imagine how absolutely delighted God is in every bit of creation. Each grain of sand, blade of grass. flowing stream, critter and indeed, every one of us, is precious, sacred and holy in God's sight. Nothing is superior or inferior. Love could never tolerate hierarchy. It can all be summed up when seen through the eyes of a tattered angel who announces, "I delight in it."

Photograph by Phillip LeConte

Taking Ourselves Too Seriously; Embracing Playfulness

Lord knows there is plenty enough to be serious about.

Abundant concerns keep many of us up-at- night. I'm certainly not discounting any of this. Anyone who knows me well could attest to the fact that I have been an activist for change. Especially when the vulnerable are being victimized, or human rights are being denied. But for Pete's sake...there is a time and place. The joy of freeform playfulness is in such short supply that we're running on empty. When expressing humor in jokes requires examination through a microscope before daring to laugh, we've gone too far. As Hamlet's mother might say, 'Methinks thou dost protest too much'.

Freeform playfulness is the best medicine for restoring your soul. It makes room for serious work that needs to be done later. The old song "Ain't We Got Fun" from the Roaring Twenties is a good example of how this all works. Even hard times can be faced when we understand that a lighter spirit will allow us to prevail through it all.

A favorite little phrase my grandson Jack and I used since he was a tot to set the stage for some barely restrained play was "Wait a minute". When invoked, some mischief was sure to follow. I probably rile up my grandkids too much. But it's so very hard for me to resist. Most other adults look at me with despair as the kids spin out of control. If they only knew how much restraint I am using in deference to their wishes, they would probably find a way to exile me to some far away island where only serious minded grown-ups reside. Inside, I'm like an adolescent Great Dane who wants to romp around and test all the boundaries. Oh, the trouble I could find with a pack of youngsters.

Freeform playfulness makes most everything an exciting, rambunctious adventure.

Just like the endless knock-knock jokes and silly punch lines that our parents seemed to find hilarious, Gods heart is filled with our joy and humor. Author and humanitarian Father Gregory Boyle talks about the importance of continual playfulness, He says God never tires of our jokes and that we feel reached by this tenderness. So, let’s give solemnity and earnestness a time-out. If we are down about the mouth, sullen and serious, the chance that anyone will react favorably is dubious or doubtful. The one who comes to the table with a good mix of serious intent and a happy heart always lights the way. It never fails. The by-product will be precisely what we were searching for all the time.

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Hear Today’s Journal

Listen to the audio version of today’s Journal on the new A Mystical Elephant Podcast from Robert K Jones. Each episode is designed to help folks find some happiness and joy in a sometimes chaotic world.

Denial; The Other Sound of Silence

Denial works until it doesn't. It is a disguise for fear, wrapped and muffled in a blanket of silence.

In 2017, the musical group Disturbed recorded and released its version of The Sound of Silence. The video is hard to watch perhaps because it is angry. Or maybe because it confronts our denial in such a straightforward manner.

Either way, it reinforces the fact that we have been silent in the face of devastating realities for far too long. As young activist Greta Thunberg says; "I want you to act as if the house was on fire...because it is."

“We have been silent in the face of devastating realities for far too long.”

It's not easy for me to be blunt. My professional and personal mission has been about spreading love and compassion, catching people being good, and encouraging progress and success while my clients struggle to heal and change.

But I have also been one who almost died of denial. Every aspect of my life was spinning out of control as I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It took tough interventions from loved ones to finally reverse the cycle. There are harsh truths we must confront and acknowledge.

For when we are able to dismiss mass murders of school children in the name of constitutional rights, or ignore scientific evidence that climate change is threatening our existence there is little doubt that denial is driving us in silence to unimaginable disasters.

Greta Thunberg’s words of wisdom are that no one is too small to make a difference.

We have forsaken love for money and power.

Sacred text says a little child shall lead us. There is evidence that this is so, and all that remains is to follow. I mentioned Greta Thunberg, the 16 year old from Sweden who is boldly going where few adults seem capable. She describes her Autism Spectrum (Asperger's) as her superpower. Time magazine put her picture on its cover calling her a "next generation leader" and she has been nominated as a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Her words of wisdom are that no one is too small to make a difference. Parkland survivors and March for Our Lives young people Emma Gonzalez, Cameron Kasky, and David Hogg (among many others) continue to speak up every day, registering people to vote and calling for legislative action. They have devised "A Peace Plan for a Safer America" showing us a way to sanity. In defiance of these brave kids, adults threaten, mock, and attack them. There is nothing like honesty and decisive action that so frightens silence and denial.

Using words of The Beatitudes, here is what I have to say to these rebellious children. "You are the salt of the earth...You are the light of the world. How blessed are you who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Bust our denial and challenge our silent complacency. Keep showing us the way to a world where life matters and everyone belongs.

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The Sounds of Silence; A Path to Serenity

Fifty-five years ago Paul Simon wrote words and created music which gave birth to a song that has become a haunting standard.

The Sound of Silence tells us about our failure to communicate and inability to love one another. But it begins; "Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again" setting the listener on a dual pathway marked by both quiet contemplation and meaningful action.

These practices are essential if we are to find serenity. Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness (Luke 5:16) and the Buddha used meditation as a means to enlightenment. Both teachers set an example so that their followers might to do likewise.

From Moses to Elijah to Muhammad and in every religious/spiritual tradition, we are told to embrace silence for inspiration and as an anchor for what we do and say.

I wrote a curated content article last year about Mindfulness and Meditation which explored how to use prayer and contemplation in daily life. As my personal practice of prayerful silence has continued over the following months, a deepening appreciation for it increased significantly. One of my discoveries is that as noisy and chaotic as things might be on the outside, they are equal to or exceeded by the clamor and disorder in my head.

Finding a quiet place is easier than subduing my internal chatter. Where shutting a door and creating a conducive atmosphere may take some effort, hushing my monkey-mind requires patience, practice and discipline. There are lots of techniques, websites, and apps out there to provide guidance. One of them called Ten Percent Happier by former skeptic Dan Harris is particularly good. It takes participants from the basics to pretty advanced meditation. But whatever resources one might choose to find silence, the resulting serenity is well worth it.

“If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with
death.””

— from Keeping Quiet by Pablo Neruda

It would do the world a lot of good if we could stop the shouting and fighting. But this cannot be achieved if there is little going on in hearts but greed, fear, loneliness, and resentment. We can see the effects all around us in the rise of suicide, bullying at schools, mass shootings, addiction, and trauma related mental health problems. All truly good things must come from a calm, loving center core. Otherwise, they will be ego-driven and self-serving.

I don't think we can continue down the way we are headed without disastrous results. There is too much pain, too much sadness, and too much hatred. There are too many victims at the side of the road and too few Good Samaritans to bind up their wounds. We have to quit talking and start listening.

For that is the basis of good communication. Perhaps the words of the prophets really are written on subway and tenement walls. The path to serenity is hiding in plain sight. And once discovered, the sounds of silence will lead us to lasting peace and serenity.

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Awe and Acceptance; Looking Through Different Lenses

It seems that most all of us could use a new pair of glasses!

The lenses we have in place no longer provide clear, joyful images which enable us to stand in awe. They've become cloudy and scratched over time by resentment and judgment. Under these conditions, with our sight so badly obstructed, it's hard to appreciate the majesty of our surroundings and magnificence of one another. A vision checkup is in order.

Mother took me to a local optometrist when I was twelve years old. My complaints about poor vision were met with some doubt due to the fact that my best friend had just gotten some glasses. She figured that I wanted a pair to be like him. Dr. Harry Janoff's assurance that my eyes were pretty weak did little to convince her of my need. It wasn't until we were driving home, with me wearing the new specs, that she became a believer.

I looked out at the passing countryside and wondered aloud if everyone was was able to see leaves on trees without being close to them. Mom had to pull the car over to wipe away her tears. Her apologies to me were begrudgingly accepted, but my well deserved vindication paled in comparison to the wondrous details of the new world around me.

If we do take the step of getting that new pair of glasses, we will become overwhelmed with a desire for inspection and introspection. The way we look at things and how we see ourselves will be dramatically changed. There probably will come a tendency to be critical of the way things were in the past and we must be cautious in applying our newfound perspective in hindsight. The world today is quite different than it was fifty or one hundred years ago. As my 1969 high school reunion comes closer, that fact becomes clearer by the moment. We were a fun bunch of mischievous kids but what was tolerated by adults back then might be fodder for news reports today.

The new lenses we wear will open up a world which must be received not only by embracing the grandeur but should be mixed with a spirit of acceptance. A physician who struggled with drug and alcohol use became a contributor to the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. His writing has been a touchstone of recovery for countless people. At the end of his story, he wrote saying; "I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance."

The appreciation of our oneness and desire to make the world a better place should never be hampered by becoming caught up in condemnation of how things used to be. Our ‘magic magnifying minds’ will take over once again. For the new pair of glasses will have become cloudy and scratched by the same judgment and resentment which ruined the last pair. We must become accepting seers who understand the lessons of history, embrace the present moment and who have great hope for the future.

Splendiferous Fall; Revealing the Beauty Within

The drama of changing seasons can hardly be ignored. Even those who are the busiest or most caught up in distractions or self-absorption take pause, however momentary. Life is transforming before our very eyes. Spring, Summer, and Winter each have plenty to offer, but Fall is the most magnificent. Leaves on hardwood trees make it so of course. When the countryside is dressed in red, green, gold, yellow and brown even the most ordinary places will become breathtaking. Or as my younger daughter, Courtney, said at age five, “It’s Splendiferous”

I've been around. My adolescence was spent near Fort Lauderdale in Hillsboro Beach where there is little that is overtly noticeable in Autumn's arrival or departure besides welcomed cooler temperatures. Instead, it's carried on a gentle evening breeze by Night Blooming Jasmine. I've also lived in North Carolina where people come from all over to be swept away by the grandeur. My childhood in Danville, Illinois had a Fall with its own charm and beauty. We took an annual drive down to Brown County, Indiana to have our socks blown off. But Autumn and "Injun Summer" were spectacular enough. Regardless of where home might have been, the seasons-of-life analogy was not lost on me. As the hours of light become shorter, chlorophyll production slows, and true leaf colors are revealed, it has always seemed obvious that God is sending a love letter about what could be coming next as people age.

The truth is that nothing diminishes as daylight hours become shorter nor are we diminished as we get older. This is evidenced in beautiful colors revealed in the leaves which had been there all along. Likewise, grace and brilliance are exposed as we transition to elderhood. They too have always been there. What is difficult to see while we are young and busy becomes easily visible in later years. Some of this comes from slowing down and some of it is bestowed as wisdom through experience. Now that my own Autumnal Equinox is well astern, floating out in Mother Ocean along with the exuberant energy of my youth, I began to wonder where the splendiferousness might be. But then it became clear. Just like my Autumn's in South Florida, it hides as a subtle insider while blossoming at the edge of night.

From Earth Shattering to World Building

Sometimes it feels like we move from one earth-shattering crisis to another. It's not difficult to become perpetual victims of chaos and crisis if this is our prevailing life view. It all becomes so overwhelming. If you turn on a cable news channel the red banner of Breaking News will be boldly displayed in red on the bottom of the screen. If it isn't there immediately, just wait a minute. Of course the announcement is always intended to be shocking. It’s never good. Earth-shattering things are happening all of the time, so there's little need to invent things that will agitate people. We seem addicted to hearing and watching what awful things are going on. Like voyeurs who can't seem to take their eyes off of something salacious, we just keep coming back for more. I think it might be time to shift from our fascination on the earth-shattering to a focus on world-building and what each of us might do to further those efforts.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." ~ James Baldwin

The movement from earth-shattering to world-building requires a bit of self-awareness and some heartfelt commitment to change. But it's not too hard and doesn't require volunteering in some faraway disaster area. Changing the world in which we live for the better begins in our own homes. When we take an inventory of the way we interact with the people who live under our roofs, it will certainly reveal plenty of room for improvement and growth. Sure, we love each other, but probably miss dozens of opportunities to demonstrate it every day.

One way to engage in some world-building around home is by showing the genuine delight we experience in the presence of our loved ones. I try this out frequently, and it's always a hit. When I tell my grandson or granddaughters that they are stars, superheroes, or how cute and funny they are it always results in squirming, smiles or giggles (of course, then I rile them up and make life more difficult for their parents). The eyes of my wife and grown children twinkle with appreciation when I express my admiration for them. It works every time. And believe it or not, the world becomes a happier place as well. The ripples become waves to ride as we carry what I call the 'delight program' into our neighborhoods and greater community. This is because delight fosters remarkable transformation in anyone it touches and then spreads from one person to the next.

The Yiddish expression mazel tov comes from Hebrew words meaning "a constellation of good stars and destiny" This is wishing unfettered congratulations and joy for someone in whom God delights. And God delights in each and every one of us. The world can be shattered in violence if we engage in hate. But it can be built and reconstructed with love and delight. It is a matter of choice. As for me, I think a good mazel tov is best. After all, you are the apple of God's eye.

Authentically Living the Gospel's Message of Peace

There is encouraging evidence that we share in a collective consciousness which is guiding us to fulfill God's Eternal Dream of a peaceful people, under a friendly sky in union with all creation.

This is not milk-toast sentiment nor naive wishful-thinking either. It is obvious that we are struggling through times of violence, addiction, injustice, and a myriad of terrible problems. But while it seems that we are practically derailed by our own pain, there is an undercurrent of love joining us together in ways that we can hardly fathom.

A good example is the burgeoning movement called Campaign Nonviolence observed this week with workshops, marches, festivals, and gatherings all around the USA. Emerging from 50 cities comes a light shining on ways to end what Dr. King called the three evils of society; racism, poverty and war.

National Civil Rights Museum website

Memphis, Tennessee, one of the five most violent cities in the country would seem to be an unlikely place to wage peace. But the city is fully embracing Campaign Nonviolence. One of the most powerful events occurs on Saturday, September 21. Memphis is hosting a forum at the National Civil Rights Museum which is located at the site of the assassination of Martin Luther King. People are joining in a desire to end systemic violence. Their stated goal is "to discuss and co-create life skills tools that can help towards a more tranquil, respectful and compassionate life in each of the core life interactions - personal, professional and societal." They have an action plan which includes projects for veterans groups, schools and multi-cultural organizations.

United Nations Photograph by Phillip LeConte

I have come to believe that work for nonviolence must begin within the shadows of our inner selves. This involves admitting tendencies we have to judge others. We must recognize not only the harm we inflict by what we say and do but by exploring the violence we harbor in our hearts. We trade evil for good, as Thomas Keating suggests, by making our internal and external enemies our partners.

In so doing, we become empowered to authentically live out the Gospel message of peace by loving our neighbors without prejudice or exceptions.

Visit https://paceebene.org/

Banner Photography Phillip LeConte

A Time For Encouragement; What the World Needs Now

I was reminded by a friend that September 12 has been designated as a National Day of Encouragement.

It took a group of high school students to come up with this idea more than a decade ago. They identified a lack of encouragement as the biggest problem facing them. First, the governor of Arkansas and later the United States Senate recognized the wisdom of these young people by proclaiming an annual observation to uplift one another by reaching out a hand of compassion and friendship.

As simply stated by the teenagers who got this movement started, "Encouragement Matters." The date chosen was no coincidence. Following our remembrance of 9/11 each year with a day of encouragement is quite fitting. We certainly needed something like that. Right now, it seems like every day should be dedicated to such an important endeavor.

We can do so much better. If only we could begin to see one another as God sees us. The prevalent urge to judge and condemn leaves in its wake a deep and lasting loneliness. It is evidenced in rising suicide rates among kids and cops. It fuels the addiction epidemic. I have been working with a young man who is suffering a dark night of the soul. He told me that he has made grave mistakes and failed over and over to do better. Now he is certain that nobody could ever believe in him again. People have even told him this is true.

So, he isolates at home in his room touched by no one. The only light that shines comes from a computer screen. My job is to help him discover the fact that despite everything, he is loved. It will take other hands reaching out and encouraging him forward for his life to regain meaning.

There is a wonderful tune from the musical, Dear Evan Hansen called “You Will Be Found”. The theatrical production has swept Broadway and is now touring the country. It deals with feelings of abandonment, forgottenness, and hope through the loving intercession of friends. The lyrics of the song are inspiring. They offer encouragement so longed for by those who seem lost.

Even when the dark comes crashing through

When you need a friend to carry you

And when you're broken on the ground

You will be found.

Fr. Gregory Boyle, who works with and loves gang members says that; "Nothing can move the dial on God's love for us. After all, that is already fixed at its highest setting." God's gaze is filled with infinite tenderness and mercy. When we grasp just a smidgeon of this reality it becomes possible to envision and encourage the goodness in every person we encounter. We can lift each other out of our despair. I guarantee this as the outcome…The world will be a better place.