It's not so easy to be available. There are people in our lives in distress, hurt and broken. We lend a hand only to find that they need more.
At some point, as we feel emotionally drained, the notion of boundaries and personal space creeps into our minds telling us to draw back a little or pull away entirely. Maybe being partially available, or being available based on our time constraints is enough. Any amount of being present is better than the vacuum of not being there at all. Our healing touch, words of encouragement. and listening ear, no matter the amount, will certainly bring love and healing to a breaking heart. Under certain circumstances, when the neediness is too extreme, perhaps practicing a little tough love is the answer. After all, there is such a thing as enabling. This is the dilemma. How much is too much or too little?
My more than four decades of providing help for folks who suffer with addictions and boys who have been abused confirms to me that recovery and healing is unique to the individual. Where one patient may require intensive interventions and lots of my time, some only need a little guidance, with a multitude of others somewhere in-between. Treatment should be person centered and individualized with goals leading to a discovery that life can be meaningful and joyful. I also found that traditional practices of tough love with a focus of disengaging by my participant families were rarely helpful.
On the other hand, when parents, spouses, friends, and teachers became completely engaged, the outcomes almost always exceeded expectations. I call this 'Radical Availability' and, though it flies in the face of many treatment constructs, it works. Radical Availability is similar to what goes on at an ICU. The suffering person becomes our unfettered, kind, gentle, and loving focus. This is not to say that everyone gets well. Addictions and trauma are relentless and still fatal for some. Nobody is to blame when things go terribly wrong. But if we have been radically available, there is no regret left behind that more could have been done.
Even though it can be consuming, Radical Availability is no more exhausting than tough love or detachment. It is a spiritual intervention unlike any other. I have written that;
We have the ability to be radically available because God is radically available. There is no reason to be afraid. Regardless of how dark it gets and no matter how difficult the situation, God is with us. God's arms are open and God’s heart breaks right along with ours. There is no time when we are left alone without resource.
In answer to the question of how much is too much or too little, I guess that maybe there is no perfect answer. Wynonna Judd gave one however in her I Will Testify to Love from the TV series “Touched by an Angel” which points us in the right direction when she sings "I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when the words are not enough." I believe in my heart of hearts that we are called to be radically available. Because in so doing we are affirming God's ever-present love...and there is never too much of that.