The universal message of all the major religions and traditions tell us to “Be Not Afraid” as we struggle to overcome and transcend this new reality.
Paralyzed by Fear; Numbed Out and Powerless
Fight and flight responses are generally recognized and accepted as the norm when it comes to fear. We are all familiar with them. Just like the boys in the 1983 classic movie “A Christmas Story” so comically portrays, a bully pops up and we run as fast as possible to get away. But at some point, perhaps when enough is enough, just like Ralphie, our rage becomes a fight for our lives.
But fight and flight are not the only behaviors that follow fear. A kind of numbing paralysis known as freeze is more common than we recognize. Often mistaken as cowardice, apathy, laziness or even collusion, this third survival response has gripped so many people in our times of increasing fear.
When we cannot seem to defeat or outrun the predator a ‘deer in the headlights’ freeze response can be life-saving. Helpless to do anything about a horribly dangerous situation, we dissociate from what is going on. Over the years in my work as a clinical counselor, kids and adults showed up completely numbed out in my offices. They had been diagnosed with a variety of anxiety disorders when more often than not were actually showing symptoms of the freeze response.
It manifests in those who are sexually abused, those suffering from substance use disorders, PTSD, and in battered spouse syndrome to name a few. Chronic dread, panic, and terror rob them of the ability to stay in the present. Available resources become impossible to access. Being paralyzed allows them to not feel the horror of what is (or seems to be) happening. This can go on for years, long after the menacing situation has disappeared.
“They're used to self-medicating. They're used to escape. They want to find that place where they can't see their pain from.” ~
Fr. Gregory Boyle of Homeboy Industries
In ever more anxious times, the tendency to numb out is also increasing. It seems quite likely that our over-reliance upon screens, drugs, alcohol and other ‘addictions’ are freeze responses to chronic fear exposure. Mass shootings, threats of terrorism and a cacophony of negative talk coming from everywhere including the pulpit have created a sense of helplessness and a need to disconnect.
We must begin to understand this if we are to empower ourselves to change what is happening. Our power has not been taken away even though it may appear to have been. This is a time to encourage action in those who are isolating. Together we can overcome the powerlessness caused by fear and fear mongers. The solution is not complicated. Here is the message; Bring an abundance of love to the table. Fear cannot coexist with love. Do something to help and do it now.
Ask for Help
NOTE: It cannot be emphasized too strongly that those who are suffering from trauma and clinical dissociation caused by fear must seek the assistance of professional helpers to get relief and to return from being missing in action. They cannot pull themselves up by the bootstraps nor can they just get over it. Trauma resolution is possible using such therapies as Trauma Informed Care among others.
The Fear That Divides Us
The presence of fear is chronicled every time we connect with our various forms of media. As we absorb these many reports it would appear that there is an endless abundance of fear and anger as well as the hateful, immature responses to those emotions. These are not the simple fears we are so attached to which involve our social skills, intimacy, performance or likeableness. Those anxieties seem to come with the human package. The fear that is consuming us is fear of ‘the other’.
When we fear the other our first act is to provide a label to distinguish ‘them’ from ‘us’. No matter how seemingly innocent, when we label someone, there is a degradation which occurs. It can infer superiority or inferiority, but always implies that the one being labeled is different. The 1968 Musical, ‘Hair’, had a song entitled “Colored Spade” which listed twenty-one different labels used in American slang to identify black people.
It was hard to hear despite the ending in which the singer declares that he is now the President of The United State of Love. There is an indictment of labeling which stings the soul in that song.
"We create labels because in defining the world around us, we somehow feel more secure. Yet labels also affect the way we see ourselves and others. Beyond security and certainty, they bring division and divisiveness.” ~ Colleen Gibson
The labels themselves become touchstones of fear used by politicians and others to manipulate us. Even in this time of great prosperity, we are anxious about our security. We start to become more and more watchful of one another. Soon, the watchfulness becomes hyper-vigilance and finally becomes paranoia. The gang member is going to assault me. The immigrant is going to take away my job. The addict may break into my home and take my valuables. The black man walking in my neighborhood may steal my car. That strangely dressed woman with a baby might be a terrorist with a bomb. We settle for fear, act out with angry aggression, or create laws to exclude such people.
We cannot find safety and security in dividing ourselves into categories. We cannot find peace by separating from those who are not like us. We cannot truly love our neighbor if we hate their beliefs or customs. God supplies us with one label and dreams that we will someday apply it to all of his children. God calls us ‘the beloved’ and creates us as brothers and sisters. God puts us on even ground. placing nobody ahead and nobody behind. God loves us all in ways which we will never fully understand. With that truth as a light to follow, we can easily let go of our need to fear, label, and divide. In the final analysis, it is blasphemous. We have an opportunity today to celebrate our rich diversity and our common humanity. We can join together to become one family, under one sky, beloved from all eternity.
Learn More About Fear and Labeling
Fear and anger physiologically are very similar, with virtually the same effects on the autonomic nervous system with respect to cardiovascular and respiratory measures (Kreibig, 2010). Similar physiology that is part of the development of one emotion can lead naturally to the other. Adam Alter of Psychology Today writes a good piece on labeling which I invite you to read and share. It is entitled “Why It’s Dangerous to Label People” and can be found by following this link.
5 Dangers of Labels and Stereotypes:
Dr. Nathaniel Lambert published a book about the five dangers of labels called “Standing up for Standing Out: Making the most of Being Different” which can be found both in Kindle or hard copy. It is well worth the read.
Freedom From Fear
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt offered us his four basic freedoms. The fourth being freedom from fear. It is fear which keeps us from experiencing life to the fullest. We withdraw into the places of safety that shut out the rest of the world.
We retreat from the things that threaten us. The intensity of fear, as it increases, draws us back further and further until we are known only to ourselves. Finally, we are not engaged at all. We are only surviving.
“All hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and openhearted vision of people who embrace life." ~ John Lennon
Fear can be overcome in the presence of a passionate mission. With such a mission we reject the notion of survival and thrive despite fear. Passion is fueled by love which is the antithesis of fear. And passion is at the very heart of excitement. We can be so excited about the present moment with all of its possibilities that fear is pushed aside. We move through it and beyond it because our mission is more important than anything else.
Video
Jim Valvano
Lou Gehrig
Lou Gehrig and Jim Valvano are wonderful models of what it means to face certain death and ruthless pain with fearlessness. One had ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis) and the other had cancer. Both continued to thrive and overcome every day to the very end. Gehrig’s ‘Luckiest Man’ speech at Yankee Stadium, and his baseball clinics for kids being treated at Mayo in Rochester, Minnesota shine for us decades after his death. Jim Valvano’s ESPY speech inspires young and old alike. It serves to fund cancer research efforts through the V Foundation. He simply tells us; “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” These are words to guide us. They are examples of great passion. They direct us to live it well and to live it without succumbing to fear.
Lincoln and Embracing Grief
Saying Things are Fine When They are Not
It seems to me that we might have lost our ability to grieve and mourn. Most people spend a lot of time trying to get over tragic or difficult things that have happened.
Common counsel from friends and family who have tired of our grieving and sadness is to ‘get over it and move on’. There is a real problem with this notion. Getting over a significant loss connotes forgetting.
It means that we should go on with life as if nothing was wrong, shoving our anguish and broken hearts into the dark night, and burying it in denial. This inability to allow grief to process is a powerful force playing a major role in much of the depression and chemical dependence that surrounds us. It lies at the bottom of unresolved emotions and unfulfilled expectations that have been repressed in a desire to make people believe that everything is okay.
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare (on the death of his son)
It is impossible for wounds to heal by saying that things are fine when they are not. Sometimes we have to be allowed to wail. The harsh reality of pain, loss, and suffering must be experienced. Lincoln understood this as he gave his address at Gettysburg. Whitman grasped it as he wrote “O Captain! My Captain!”
Embracing sadness and loss, becoming acquainted with the night, and understanding that life will never be the same are the means for moving through grief toward acceptance. And the goal is acceptance.
Discover more about coping with grief.
One of the most powerful little resources is a book named Good Grief, A Companion for Every Loss by Granger E. Westberg. A cousin of mine sent it to me after my mother’s death in 1988.
I have relied on it ever since and passed it on to dozens of my clients and associates. It helped me understand that, in time, grief will soften. We will recognize that life goes on. Almost unbelievably we move through the sadness into a glimmer of light. Hope will return as surely as dawn gives way to a new day.
A Quick Guide to Rx for Grief and Depression
Did you choose "plastics"? Living authentically
Finding God; Where to Start Looking
God’s Dream Come True
Verna J. Dozier was a leading African American theologian and prophet who touched countless lives and transformed hearts. Her work and service were prolific. As a teacher and Board Member of Examining Chaplains, she often spoke and wrote about the dream of God.
She believed that we have the capacity to bring forth the realization of Howard Thurman’s vision of ‘a friendly world of friendly folk beneath a friendly sky’. She believed that God wants all creation to live together in peace, harmony, and fulfillment. She believed that we are called to restore that dream together. I believe she was right. In truth, how could it be otherwise?
The wounds and struggles of the past have the power to separate and destroy us. But they also have the power to move us forward to new life, a new identity, and universal oneness.
Our suffering is what we all have in common. It's not single-mindedness and strength that will overcome, but acceptance and shared vulnerability. The Dream of God is attainable if we are willing to let go of our chokehold on yesterday by engaging in healing here and now. We can start by loving where we once hated.
I think this is about the best starting point for building up the Dream of God; A boy named Camden asked New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady at a press Q&A in Atlanta what we should do about haters. “What do we do about the haters? We love ‘em,” said Brady. “We love them back because we don’t hate back.” There it is…a glimmer of a friendly world of friendly folk beneath a friendly sky.
The Roadmap to Compassionate Action
“We become what we love and who we love shapes what we become”
St. Clare of Assisi
Self-help teachers have been floating the clichés that we need to ‘love ourselves first’ and ‘take care of ourselves first’ before we can love or help others. This easy wisdom is just too easy. And perhaps it is more a symptom of our tendency to narcissism rather than a guide to furthering compassionate action.
St. Clare and St. Francis might guide us to the mirror for a closer yet wider second look. In so doing, we could possibly discover that Self-help and helping-the-Other are inseparable.
The false self would like for us to follow trendy wisdom of taking care of ourselves first. It seems to make so much sense. But the false self is never really interested in extending compassion to anybody other than number one.
It shuns a deep look into the mirror because it will lead us to the discovery that we are one with our true self, with everyone else, with God and all of creation. The false self begins to dissolve when we take that risk of accepting and embracing our absolute vulnerability and inseparable unity.
You are totally loved and totally accepted just the way you are. So am I and so is everyone else. Two great commandments are retold in the gospels of Matthew and Mark which record Jesus as telling us to love God, neighbor, and self equally with our whole hearts, souls and minds.
Likewise, the beautiful song “Let There Be Peace on Earth” gives us a simple directive to walk with each other in perfect harmony. The roadmap to compassionate action is clear. Take the risk. Look in the mirror. Then, let it begin with me.
How to Crack the Negativity Code
Awakening to Snowfall; Remember Who You Are
“As you awaken to your Divine nature, you'll begin to appreciate beauty in everything you see, touch and experience.” ~ Wayne Dyer
Winter snows have come with a vengeance once again to folks who live up North. I remember how tired we used to get of scooping, scraping and being trapped inside. My daughter and I have never been big fans, though I liked it more than she. Then there are people like my son who never weary of it. His Michigan childhood comes back to life when it snows and just delights in it. He reminds me that there is always something magical about snow. It has elements of surprise and beauty that we should explore rather than shun. Within each snowfall are thousands and thousands of unique snowflakes which serve to remind us of who we are.
Our unique self, like a snowflake, will never be duplicated. The evidence of this is everywhere. Our DNA is comprised of markers that are arranged only for one person. It never has been and never will be again. Only you! Even twins don’t have the same DNA. Combination of parents, grandparents and countless generations of ancestors each give us a gift of themselves in the pattern that becomes you. It took thousands of years to come up with the design for each individual. Our uniqueness also can be found in fingerprints. Each time we touch something we leave a stamp of our existence behind. We are here and we are one of a kind. The mold has been broken.
We have an individual and divine purpose in our uniqueness. The odds of your random creation are so small that it is incomprehensible. Wayne Dyer talks about the fact that a great wind sweeping through a garbage dump, gathering up all of the pieces and setting them down as a fully assembled Boeing 747 is more likely than the exclusive collection of cells and tissue that is you. Your importance cannot be understated. The incredible love story of our Creator is at work here. Such a miracle can have no other explanation. You are God’s beloved child. Look at that beautiful snowfall and remember.
Freedom from Fear and Regret
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves…regret for the past and fear of the future.” ~ Fulton Ourslear
When the end of life comes we will not regret the business deals that didn’t work out, sales that weren't made, or final exams we didn’t ace. We will regret the squandered opportunities. We will suffer the most from our failure to devote enough time to our loved ones. We will regret our lack of attention to a skinned knee. We will long to have the moment back when our words of criticism bruised a heart.
I have found that healing begins when we take action here and now. The way to eliminate regrets from the past and to dispel the fear of the future is to fully evaluate what really matters and pay attention to it. We will put an end to the endless repetition of mistakes by unshackling ourselves from the past and freeing ourselves from the future. We can start by putting first things first.
The present moment is when to make that extra effort. All we have to do is more fully avail ourselves to those important people in our lives. Another phone call, a written card, or any added gesture that proclaims our love will wash away fear and regret as we go forward. By making time and freely giving our gifts of love, we will discover that our resources are unlimited. This is the next right thing to do. Nothing is more important.
Finding Joy in Tempestuous Times
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~ Howard Thurmann
The night before he was murdered in Memphis, Tennessee, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. warned us that violence was threatening our very existence. If we are to confront this reality, there must come a deep joy which springs up in the face of hatred and injustice. The beauty is that this kind of joy exists within each and every one of us. Discovering it can be achieved in prayer along with contemplative practice and outreach. For it is in stillness and silence that the voice of God will direct our actions.
Years ago, I was engaged in a whirlwind of activity with self-designed goals to have more…more of everything. I thought that happiness could be found through obtaining lots of money and all the best material things it could provide. I would do whatever was necessary to get it, often at the expense of anyone or anything standing in my path. I was 'on the way up' and those left behind were regretfully collateral damage.
This is not to say that I was a mean person. On the contrary, I was jovial and popular. And I wanted more of that too. It was all intoxicating. In fact, intoxication became part of the equation. Cocaine and alcohol were perfect running mates as my personal wealth neared a million dollars just prior to my thirtieth birthday. Then the bottom fell out and I lost all of the people and things I treasured so much.
Surprisingly, it was during the following years of descent, desperation, and sadness that I discovered inner peace and joy. My path of personal poverty led me to a different kind of richness through centering prayer and contemplation I never imagined. Faith and hope were restored as God’s unconditional love and forgiveness washed over me. I came alive.
For the past four decades, my world has been filled with an inner joy founded in contemplation and action. Not that there has been an absence of bumps and obstacles. I have had more than a few stumbles. But I have dedicated my life to what unceasingly makes me come alive. My work with wounded kids and those who suffer from addiction has been my way of confronting suffering, injustice, and hatred.
We are all called to action in this chaotic world. It has never been more important for us to work for social, political, economic and environmental justice and peace. We have to come alive now. Our existence depends on it.
Restoring a Sense of Wonder in the Internet Age
Loving the Back Roads
Dreams and Reality; the Dance of Oneing
“Stay true to your deepest intuition that an extraordinary and miraculous life is possible.” ~ Craig Hamilton
I have a hunch that each of us struggles with a sense of emptiness when considering how seldom our dreams and present situation match up. Life has a way of leading us in directions that are far from what we had planned or for which we had hoped. When that emptiness descends, a bleak truth is laid bare. But this somber reality actually contains a guiding light through dense fog. It is a touchstone.
The fact that an extraordinary and miraculous life is possible cannot be denied. It is not only possible...but is a certainty if fully embraced. This doesn’t mean an easier climb on the ladder which we are enticed to believe brings happiness. Rather than a linear measurement of success and failure, it is a promise that there is an ongoing dance and celebration we are invited to join. Life is not about beginnings and endings, wins and losses,or scorecards to be kept. It is circular and full of promise.
“The only things that can keep you out of this divine dance are fear, doubt or self-hatred. What would happen in your life -right now- if you accepted being fully accepted?” ~ Richard Rohr
This chapter of your story is being written in the very moment we are experiencing here and now. How it evolves is up to you. The miraculous and extraordinary are revealed when it is understood that you are never alone. We are one in all of our magnificent diversity. Nothing is so dark that it might extinguish this truth. God is with us and we are with God. We dance this dance together.
Epiphany; Home By Another Way
Dance of the Ninth Day
"In the cold you wrap me. In my uncertainty you listen. In all my joys you celebrate. At every turn you meet me with competence and grace. What a fine dance we have together."
Mary Anne Radmacher
I once had this epiphany and scribbled down the words that came to my mind. My intention was to let them marinate and become a poem. Of course, they still may, but for more than thirty years have yet to inspire more verse.
They came to me at a time when I had decided never to become involved in another intimate relationship. Pain from losing my marriage and children was so intense that I vowed a life of celibacy. I would travel alone. It was the middle of the night when this phrase came along; ‘Dance, Dance, Dance! I said celebrate not celibate.’
Though the words may sound simple or silly, I was changed. Gradually opening myself to others, I miraculously found the love of my life and we married. I have been restored to family, children and grandchildren. Life is good...and it is intended to be a dance of celebration. This is my lesson of The Ninth Day of Christmas.
The gift of Nine Ladies Dancing from our true love is compelling. It takes the intimacy of the dance and entwines it into spiritual direction. We are reminded of the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit. This Spirit is God revealed as the interactive dancer who teaches us how to live and love. We are supposed to be engaged in an active relationship with God and with each other.
The nine Christmas gifts include; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. A dancer needs a partner. When there is nobody to dance with there is no relationship or affection. God needs us and we need God. So let’s dance. It is a perfect day to engage.
"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed." ~ Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
The New Year; A Path to Reconciliation
"Ring out the old, ring in the new. Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true." ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson
A celebration of this New Year of 2019 gives us the unique opportunity to reflect. We have experienced triumph and defeat, joy and sorrow, abundance and loss. Our personal lives have been changed. We are a bit older and more experienced. Our reminiscences of the year should include both the good and the harm we might have done. This is a good time to sort it all out. It will give us a chance for reconciliation and new beginnings.
Sometimes we leave damage in our wake despite the best intentions. People have feelings that are hurt because we were somehow thoughtless or reckless. We have done or failed to do things that have hurt relationships. This creates a need for making amends. We must first admit our wrongdoings, apologize, and then proceed to set things right. By so doing, we make ourselves vulnerable and take down the walls that separate us. Finally, we pledge to refrain from repeating the damaging behavior in the future.
The healing that springs forth from reconciliation is beyond our greatest expectations. We begin to live a life without regrets. Trust and harmony become the cornerstones of our relationships. We find ourselves as the benefactors and recipients of love and compassion. We build coalitions instead of seeking isolation. Diversity is no longer frightening. There is always a path to reconciliation. Nothing is so important that it should stand in the way of this miraculous process. What a terrific way to turn the page to a new year. Let’s do it...and set the stage for a Happy New Year.
“Le present est gros de l'avenir.” (The present is big with the future) ~ French Proverb