Trust is at the foundation of any relationship.
It is a product of faith, of confidence in good intentions and love. Trust comes as a willingness on the part of all concerned to become open and vulnerable. Once broken, it cannot be mended by performance contracts, nor contingent on compromise. It is developed and strengthened through cooperation. It forgives mistakes and honors brokenness with compassion. While poor performance is disappointing, it shouldn't be given the power to undermine true, deep trust. There are people who take advantage of trust to be sure. But in those instances, an honest or loving connection was fragile or non-existent in the first place. If we are to have relationships at all we must dare to trust, dare to love, and then eliminate any manipulative strings attached.
William Paul Young once said that “You cannot produce trust, just as you cannot ‘do’ humility.” He has a good point. While it is possible for trust to be restored with time and reconciliation, it might never return if dependant upon repentance. It certainly cannot if shame, guilt, criticism, oppression, bullying, and censure are the means used as motivation or punishment.
Most of the people I served as a professional counselor had violated sacred trusts or had been robbed of trust by those dearest to them. Emptiness and suspicion was a constant companion. What they had done, failed to do or that which had been done to them was like a relentless haunting. Strained relationships, boundaries violated, and broken promises caused so much pain that life often felt unbearable. They sought answers for how to earn or re-establish trust and lost love. I taught that it takes a lot more than hard work and behavior change to heal.
Here are four points that should be understood in the process of restoring trust;
It requires courage, because, in order to re-establish faith and confidence, all of the wounds which have caused dishonesty, deception, and unfaithfulness must be revealed.
Those wounds generate underlying feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness. and anger. These are at the root of lost trust. They drive us to protect our vulnerability and to keep secrets.
When unmasked as brokenness, the actions which resulted in betrayal can be understood and ultimately accepted as human frailty.
From then on, it’s up to both parties to do their very best at being honest in every aspect of life.
Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote about how tragically lost relationships can affect us in her poem "Ashes of Life" saying;
Love has gone and left me, and the neighbors knock and borrow. And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse. And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow...
We have the choice to endlessly suffer or bravely deal with violated trust. But it is in the best interest of everyone to repair the damage and move on. Life is so short, and relationships too precious to sit in the ashes of betrayal vowing to never trust again.