It seems like I am asked more and more often lately to provide comforting words about death and grief. Perhaps that comes as a byproduct of hanging around for seven decades. Here is something I now know. To every thing there is a season and a purpose under heaven. So says scripture and the once popular folk song titled 'Turn! Turn! Turn!' I guess there is some comfort to that. Good things and bad things come and go. But it's important to understand that there are at least some things over which we have a modicum of control. Among them is how we deal with each other in the present moment and another is our unique ability to leave behind some meaningful words to mark our passing through.
My experiences of death are wide and varied. I have learned that grief's partner, regret, is every bit as painful as loss itself. The night before my brother took his life, he made a phone call to me. There were folks having dinner with us, and I was impatient with our short conversation. He seemed very chipper with no real purpose to the call, so I told him about our visitors and said we would talk another time. Jack and I had disagreed on a trivial matter a few weeks before and I was still miffed. If only I had listened.
The sting of death and depth of loss won't be diminished right away just because the regret of 'if onlys' is minimalized. But if we have done the best we could do under the circumstances, never left one another with anger in the oven, forgiven mistakes, and cast off misunderstandings at the side of the road, we will be able to find our way to acceptance.
George Bernard Shaw is known for the epitaph he created which quips "I knew if I stayed around long enough, something like this would happen.” Then there was Mickey Mantle who left his with us saying “If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.” When we are young grief is something we push aside as best we can. Rarely, if ever, do we entertain the idea of writing a personal epitaph. I've lived long enough to grasp that denial only works until it doesn't, and creating an epitaph is a pretty good way of thinking about how you would like to be remembered. It can be an impetus for change allowing us to consider what is really important and what might be missing.
Writing an epitaph lets the better version of yourself shine through to make a little difference in the lives of others. It allows you to reflect on not only how you would like to be remembered but even how to set a new course with a good compass in hand. Since there is no such thing as an inconsequential life, why not deposit a few words of wisdom and wit. Here is the one I'm working on.
"I always tried to leave people laughing, smiling, or glad. Sometimes without success. So this is my amends; A priest, rabbi, parrot and elephant walk into a bar..."
No silliness is intended in my epitaph. Well maybe just a little. But what it does is steer me to the sunnier side of the street. And just maybe someone will remember the last line and finish it with a great joke. Now wouldn’t that be a fine legacy.